Booted by Cupid? My latest venture into the online dating world has been an insightful experience into the intricacies of human mating behavior. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, my desire to finally reveal the romantic intentions of men and women who engage in online dating was cut short by my profile being blocked from OK Cupid and Bumble. I’m assuming a disgruntled male reported me for conducting a survey rather than engaging in the dating game but I’m going to take it as a blessing that I was booted off. Energy is a precious resource these days and so I will shift my focus towards manifesting the relationship I desire by studying the methods by which couples relate to each other, not only while dating, but also beyond as casual relationships develop into more serious commitments. For those of you wondering, I have formally studied relationship dynamics and the best practices to implement for successful partnering. I will share all the resources for my studies at the end of this article.
Kat’s lessons from the past I am blessed in my life to have experienced a long term relationship of 24 years, and a pretty successful one by my own admission. My previous husband and I are still quite bonded although we‘ve now ventured forth on separate life paths. My marital journey leads me to believe that I have a pretty good understanding of how romantic relationships transform over a period of time, first falling in lust, then in love, and finally bonding into mutual respect that transcends the word love. These partnership stages develop as couples navigate the world of careers, possible child rearing (or these days pets), and life’s inevitable challenges, but not many marriages end with mutual respect. It was because we scaled the mountains of challenges and also experienced plenty of happy milestones together that my marriage did end respectfully and I am profoundly grateful for that. I am also cognizant of the fact that a partnership cannot end respectfully if respect did not exist within the union. My husband and I always maintained honesty and integrity as core values in our relationship and so we were able to part ways with deep love and continued connection even as the marital bond ended. True, loving connections lead to honorable, respectful unions based on mutual trust. Trust leads to harmony in relationships.
Healthy mind~ Healthy body As a health coach I cannot emphasize enough how nutritional intake, physical activity and stress management are key players in the game of love, love for ourselves and also for others. It is a rare thing to experience a healthy relationship with another person while being immersed in self loathing. If we are content with who we are at the deepest level, if we feel strong and confident in ourselves and our bodies, then we can engage in mutually respectful relations with others without reactions of defensiveness, shame, guilt, and fear. The physical body and its physiological processes are key ingredients to ready ourselves for happy human partnering. Hormone production is significant in mood, sexual virility, libido, and desire to connect. How we maintain our physical health drives the physiological hormone balance down to the cellular level. We need balance of these biological components to stay genuinely joyful in our lives and energetically vital in our bodies. Honor the body, Honor the Self.
Hormones or infatuation? My academic studies in human sexuality, health sciences, and relationship building, in addition to my personal journey of spirituality, afford me modest insight into how individuals operate when seeking romantic connections. Intimacy, both emotional and physical, is exciting but can also be a risky endeavor. When seeking new connections we all too often act impetuously with our inherent biological drive to reproduce rather than with levelheaded decision making. However, after the so called “honeymoon” period subsides we are left with our individual characters, our past experiences, and our expectations of each other, which inevitably creates the many conflicts so common in new relationships. So how do we maintain the passion of initial contact while building respect and honor as a casual romance develops into a deeper commitment of loving one another?
Guiding your ego out of the way As humans we are always poised to protect our ego, a response mechanism of the Self, which complicates communication if we tend to react rather than calmly respond to others. In addition, our identification with the past greatly influences how we operate when in a new intimate relationship. Previous experiences with partners, and modeling the behaviors of those who raised us can often create obstacles in our relationship endeavors. Sadly, many people never do recognize the need to modify their own behaviors, to release their identification with painful stories of the past, and so they continue the unhealthy relationship cycles over and over again. Letting go of the past, the comparisons, the pain, opens us to loving with trust rather than fear. If we can take a step back and view our relationship dynamics without judgement we can begin to realize how much influence our innate fear of vulnerability has on our willingness to connect with other humans.
To observe the conscious mind and to investigate our unconscious ego identification behaviors we can begin to navigate through preprogrammed reactions to outside stimulus (other people) and work to practice non-attachment in all relationships. Non-attachment means letting go of ownership and expectations which allows us to live more in Presence and Joy since we don’t expect someone else to make us joyful in our lives. We have to be courageous to be honest about our intentions and actions when faced with the challenges that every intimate relationship endures. It is then that we can begin to attract the kinds of people who see beneath the skin to the true nature of our character lying below and when they love our nature, true love emerges.
The dynamic play between intimate partners is often wrought will clumsy miscommunication, misguided offense, and other protective mechanisms (ego alert). How we decide to relate to others often means the difference between success and failure in relationships because it is with our emotional blockages that we significantly inhibit healthy partnering. We must pull down the armor to finally invite authentic love into our lives and when we’re finally ready to reveal our true nature to another, without fear of judgement and rejection, then a budding romance can bloom into a more profound connection. However if our partner does not love themselves then difficulty will be present because no matter how much we love we cannot make someone love themselves.
The truth is actually quite easy in concept, but much more difficult to implement if we are bound by fear of rejection and the pain that follows. When we’re brave enough to chip away at the walls we have built which seemingly protect us from feeling too much emotion then we can invite the most satisfying human connections into our lives. Pain identification only reinforces the walls we have built around our hearts, while vulnerability invites unconditional love and trust. The more courageous we are with our self reflection and communication, combined with our willingness to love more, will always open us to the possibility of inviting authentic connections into our lives.
Stay Tru Yes, Truth. First we must be true to ourselves, and then we must reveal that truth to our lover. Going beyond the initial attraction to recognize that we must reveal what lies beneath so that we can begin to experience the true potential of human connection without fear. If a romantic partner does not share the same moral and social values then the relationship will always be a challenge. Being courageous in our truth opens us to authentic love and also reveals when we must leave a relationship. We must trust our hearts and our intuition to know when to release those who do not support us, we can only change our circumstances we cannot change another person to fit our expectations. To choose the path of love and self respect means holding true to our core values. When we release energy that isn’t aligned with ours, we open ourselves to new energy. Intentionally setting our values in stone so that new relationships are grounded in integrity and honesty. Truth.
What does possibility look like? Set your intentions high and let your expectations go. That statement might seem contradictory but it’s not. We can manifest the unfolding of our lives, in fact we do every day. Every time we focus our mind on thoughts and beliefs we energetically create our reality. So whether it is negative or positive thinking, we are continuously influencing the direction of our lives. In the same regard, if we go forth expecting certain outcomes then we will most likely be met with disappointment. Rather than maintaining rigid ideas about what we want to happen to us, we can shape our thinking and wire our minds to develop kindness and loving thoughts instead of sardonic reactions and defensive responses to both people and events. This thinking with consciousness is the rudder that guides the boat.
Don’t compare please Comparing new connections with previous ones will only inhibit a fresh, unique experience from developing into its full potential. My new lover recently assured me of that and I believe.
Why Not Manifest Love?
I’m happy to report back on my own romantic journey this winter. In mid December I had made a plan to manifest the relationship I desired. I put my intentions and values in writing and then delivered the manifesto to the virtual world of single (and not) men in the form of my personal OK Cupid profile, intact with current images of myself and my true age of 47! Let me be clear in saying that I did not write anything about what I was looking for in a man, what I did for a living, or hobbies I enjoyed. My profile only stated who I was on my spiritual journey and described my moral, social, and relationship values. I made sure to be fearlessly vulnerable and fiercely truthful in what values I hold close. While I had many “likes” and even some valuable positive feedback from fellows regarding my honesty, I didn’t receive all that many genuine buyers. I will note that I had quite a few men who clearly had not bothered to read my profile at all, the guys who just look at women’s photos and proposition them with generic invitations of sex or romance, mostly just sex though.
There were a few serious takers though, and I met some decent men, but only one stood out for a couple of reasons. He persisted in pursuing when I was distracted and then when we finally met he quickly withdrew when he thought I was disinterested. Both of those actions told me one thing about his character, he loved himself enough to pursue me with courage, and he also loved himself enough to leave when he thought I wasn’t impressed. It took me 1 day to recognize that I wanted to get to know him better and it took 2 days until we were both sure the connection was true. After a couple of weeks we settled into a comfortable knowing of each other, knowing that we were on the right track anyway. That was 5 weeks ago and at this point our relations, communications, the vibes (vibrational frequency) are flowing very well, each day a little deeper connection, each day a little more Joy. Excited energies, chemistry and connection!…excuse me I’m flushed.
At this point in a new relationship it takes brave honesty, persistent, and authentic truth between this man and I. We plan to grow this relationship into a partnership that could last for…who knows? I hold no expectations, just my positive intentions and also my clear understanding of his. Right now I’m sensing that the universe has delivered me a blessing, and he says that he feels it too. Cool baby.
My Wish for You Have faith in your truth and trust that the Universe will deliver exactly what you need to expand. Please let go of expectations of how it will manifest, just know it will be good. Have faith.
Where does chocolate figure in all this? Well I do always eat a lot of very dark chocolate, 85% to be exact. So I wanted to share a study about chocolate and how it influences brain chemistry, releases important compounds which stimulate our own hormone production, which makes us feel like we’re in love. The darker the chocolate the stronger the love.
Cocoa Study: The neuroprotective effects of cocoa flavanol and its influence on cognitive performance
An adventurous spirit is a joyous soul.
Namaste~Kat
Suggested readings-These are just a few titles which have guided me through my own journey to deepen the love for my Self, which has led me to improve my intimate connections with my lover, my family and friends, and even casual acquaintances. Deepen your ability to connect and learn techniques for letting go of the past so you can manifest positive outcomes in your future. The world is your oyster and human connection is the key to opening it up!
The Power of Now- A Guide To Spiritual Enlightenment- Eckhart Tolle
Dare To Lead- Brené Brown
Beyond Mars and Venus-Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World- John Gray
Creating Affluence- Wealth Consciousness in the Field of All Possibilities- Deepak Chopra
The Tao of Love and Sex-The Ancient Chinese Way to Ecstasy-Jolan Chang
The Obstacle is the Way—The Ancient Art of Turning Adversity into Advantage- Ryan Holiday
The Art and Science of Relationships -University of Toronto program-Free though Coursera
The Science of Well Being-Yale University program-Free though Coursera