How do men think anyway?
I have often wondered about the thinking mind of the male human. As an adventurer in the world of online dating I’ve struggled with understanding male brain cognition, thought processes and emotional comprehension. While I can’t overly generalize about “all men” there definitely seems to be running themes for how men operate in the online dating world. To be totally truthful I will admit that I’m guilty of my own irrational female thought processes, after all I’m running estrogen and ego (oop!) in equal amounts which can be a volatile mix when emotions are on the line. Years ago I considered writing a memoir about my online dating experiences, there were some interesting interactions but I mostly wanted to endeavor to self reflect on my interactions with a variety of men and our mutual misunderstandings of each other.
I love to study the science behind human behavior, not only to form my Self into a more loving and kind human, but also so that I can help others understand why our brains works the way they do, and how each of us can change inherent behavior patterns by simply observing the mind as a non attached witness to the emotional charge behind thoughts. My passion is to help teach people that healthy living and mindfulness practices can shift the way think and ultimately influence how we interact with others and, of course, the better interactions we share with others the more enjoyable our lives will be.
Our hormones affect our experiences in our search for love, romance, sex, and partnering. Male and female dominant hormones are a huge influence on our dating choices, they influence how we communicate with and listen to others, and who we are attracted to even if we are not wanting to make babies.
My side of the story
In the past 4 years, since my divorce in 2016, I have been an occasional shopper for men via OK Cupid and Bumble. My fruitful attempts at meeting a man in person while out and about in Portland forced me to go online to see who was available for romance in the big city. I’m going to admit that my biological attraction to testosterone dominant males may be in direct conflict to my desire to connect with a kind, spiritual, and emotionally open man, as I think the hormones play a big role in mating behavior and emotional expression.
Needless to say I had plenty of suitors, sending me both casual and intimate messages with offers of romance, sex and even marriage. I went out on dates with a fair amount of males of all types and styles. Most dates usually ended in an awkward, “Let’s stay in touch” or the more subtle insinuation of “ Don’t call me, I’ll call you."
I eventually realized to my confusion that mis-information was a common thread moving through most of the profiles of the guys I was meeting up with. It turns out both men and women often lie about their physical appearance, age, height, job and marital status when creating their profiles. The men I talked with would complain that many women don’t represent themselves accurately, often posting photos that were taken years ago when they were younger and slimmer. I discovered the same with some of my dates. Many of the discrepancies I discovered were ridiculous and obvious. For someone who values honesty as a core value I would often became frustrated and delete my profile about 1-2 weeks in. That’s not to say these men aren’t good people, some are nice and some are strange, and I’m sure a few thought I was too bold or pretentious; however I come off, I always want people to know exactly who I am up front, no BS. As far as accuracy is concerned I don’t want a man to be surprised when a 47 year old woman walks into the bar instead of the 35 year old one in the profile photos. I want a date to recognize me when I meet him and be pleasantly surprised rather than have him offer a disappointed glance towards the nearest exit.
A Study of Intention
I had created a survey so that I can begin to unpack the contradictions between individual representation of dating profiles with the reality of how the actual individuals wish to be engaged in relationships, whether casual or long term. Unfortunately while attempting to collect participants for the study through my dating profiles I was reported and blocked by the applications. Darn it! We will have to continue to venture forth with our best intentions for romance in the dating world virtually and hopefully offline as well in the “real” world.
